Nesting Hobbit
by Minerva Nargles
Summary: femBilbo is pregnant and starts stealing things from his dwarven friends because it makes her feel safe.


Things were going missing and everyone, at first, blamed Nori. Nori defended himself by saying how he had no need to steal something as frivolous as Ori's knitted sweater, Dwalin's knuckledusters or Bofur's hat. No one believed him until they have seen the thief in action. It was their little burglar, taking things and placing them around her and Fili's sitting area.

When they asked Fili about it, he explained that it's a nesting process his lovely wife was going through, wanting to feel safe through the pregnancy.

"It's a hobbit thing, Master Balin." Fili explained, smiling like a loon. "Bilba said it happens to almost eight out of ten hobbit women during pregnancy. They never take big things, only something small that catches their eyes. One of Kili's red feathered arrows, Dwalin's knuckledusters, Ori's sweater and his pen, your red robes..."

"She took my red robes?" Balin whispered, looking horrified. "My favorite red robes?"

"You will get them back, Master Balin, the moment she finds them, well, ugly."

"This needs to be stopped, Fili."

"It's your funeral, Master Balin."

"Bilba," Bofur begged, on his knees and hands pressed together. "Give me back me hat. Please, lass."

Bilba raised her head to look at her friend, one hand on her bulging stomach, the other holding the dwarf's hat behind her back. Her lips trembled and tears gathered in her big, brown eyes. Bofur's eyes were getting misty too and his knees were hurting something terrible.

"Please." Bofur tried once more, but when Bilba's eyes grew ever sadder, he sighed and forced a grin on his face. "Alright, just give it back when you're done with it."

The beaming smile Bilba gave him was almost as worthy as the sentimental value of his hat.

"Bilba Baggins!" Thundered Gandalf the Gray, hands on his hips. He reminded Bilba so much of her mother, it brought tears to her eyes. "Leave my hat alone!"

"But, Gandalf," Bilba whined, clutching the hat to her chest. "I need it!"

"You are not using my hat as one of your nesting trinkets, Bilba Baggins."

The wail that left the hobbit was louder than a dragon's roar. Tears streamed down her pinked cheeks and broke Gandalf's heart.

"You already have Bofur's hat."

"But it's not as pretty as yours, Gandalf."

"Oh, fine." Gandalf grumbled. "You better don't harm it."

Gandalf stumbled when Bilba launched herself in his arms, giggling like a fauntling he knew a long time ago.

The thirteen dwarves gathered in the conference hall. Each had a list in front of them containing things Bilba Baggins, wife of Fili, has taken from them. Thorin II, King Under the Mountain, was amused, despite his lings being the longest.

"What you're saying is," Thorin tried to hide the smirk upon his face. He really did. "That you could not get our little hobbit to give your stuff back?"

"You haven't seen her, lad." Gloin yelled, desperation in his voice. "Her lower lip trembles..."

"And tears gather in those pretty eyes..." Bofur moaned.

"And she just looks so sad." All intoned.

"You could've just gotten Nori to steal them back."

"I am not stealing from a pregnant lady!"

"Why don't you try, oh great King Under the Mountain?" Kili asked, his brown eyes glittering.

"Maybe I will."

"Tell us how it goes."

Thorin was unsure what to do with the crying woman in his arms. Her tears made him uncomfortable and Dis' laughing face did not help.

"Please, don't take it away!" Bilba wailed, shaking in his arms. "It just smells so nice and it's soft and fuzzy and, please, please, please, don't take it!"

Thorin regretted the moment he asked Bilba to return his fur coat. He regretted ever thinking of asking for it back. Surely, he could buy another one of the same quality.

"You can keep it just stop crying!"

"Really?"

"Really."

Oh, how will his men laugh at him.

Thorin was right, they were laughing at him. It was not the way a King should be treated.

"See, Dis," Bilba grinned as she wiped the tears away. "This is how you do it."

"I cannot believe you did this."

"Oh, it was easy. I just know how to use puppy eyes and manipulate the company."

"Why are you taking their stuff?"

"They're pretty and Thorin's coat is amazing."

"There's no nesting in Hobbit pregnancies, is there?" Dis smirked.

"No." Bilba giggled as she pulled Thorin's coat around her shoulders. "And Gandalf's hat was taken because he is annoying and criptic."

"Is Thorin's coat really that soft?"

"You can't touch it!" Bilba hissed at Dis, clutching the coat closer to her. "My precious."

Dis slowly backed away from the crazed hobbit and left Bilba alone in her rooms. For such a small woman, Bilba sure could be scary.


End file.
